Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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