This girl is more easily done than said...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
