The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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