Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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