what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
