btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
