1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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