if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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