I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can feel your judgement through the phone
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
