I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
