remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
