whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
