think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
