I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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