Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
