Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
