You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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