I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
