Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
