I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
