i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
