help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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