The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
