the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She just used a chaser for red wine.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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