I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
