Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need to sanitize my soul.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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