Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
