I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
