Hippo gnu deer
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
