i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
