hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
