I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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