Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
