He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
