Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
