I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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