i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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