theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
