life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
