I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
