Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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