How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
