I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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