Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
