I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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