What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
