Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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