id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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