I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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