Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
