new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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