maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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