you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
