Where is the hickey?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
