DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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