just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Bring me that man meat
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
