hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
