Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My breasts were aching with rage.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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