Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
