Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
