Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
even my farts smell like vagina
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
