I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???