genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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