I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
