she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
