He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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