I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
