Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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